Peonies have always been my favourite
Peonies have always been my favourite
- Audrey Hepburn
The smell of dill, which is an annual herb in the celery family, always instantly brings me back to my grandmother’s garden back home in South Dakota. Nowadays, I’m far far away, but the smell can instantly take me back in time to my childhood running around her backyard while she gardens.
Her garden had everything in it: flowers, vegetables, and fruits. Which is quite an accomplishment because western South Dakota is not know for its farming culture. Regardless, she would start her seeds indoor, in the basement with grow lights, hoping that a head start would give her greater options come harvest time. She would start her melons inside, tomatoes, and bell pepper plants. That way, by the time Mother’s Day came around these tiny plants would be big and hardy enough to withstand being transplanted.
Around the same time as she would transplant her cuttings, she would also start putting seeds into the earth. Carrots in cute, organized rows, marigolds framing the veggies, and green beans trellised in the back. Her garden did not only help feed her family, but it was beautiful too. Alas, the only pictures I have of it are in my mind’s eye.
But the dill, the dill she never had to replant, she would just let it go to seed every year and then come spring the plants would grow back. The dill would be in the front left corner of the garden, close to the kale. It was always one of the unruly plants. It seemed to grow in a big mess of itself, not quite in the original garden, because it seemed to migrate over the years. In fact I would often find her ripping up some of the wandering dill as it encroached her flower garden, which was situated just to the side running along the fence next to the veggie garden.
She always planted kale and mustard greens next to the dill. Anytime she would send me out to collect some greens for our lunches I would always accidently brush up against the dill. The smell would gently waft as I stepped over plants, looking for what she wanted. It tended to linger too, stuck on my clothes or shoes till later in the day.
Oh how I wish I could be with her one more day, one more day spent weeding in her garden, one more day sneaking strawberries or thinning the carrots. It’s funny how common occurrences of childhood can almost come back to haunt you in adulthood.
I have been dreaming of tomorrow this whole long winter. February always seems like the worst month in Ontario. The sun hides, refusing to show her face to us, or maybe the evil grey clouds hide her from view. It’s cold too, and the humidity just seeps into your bones and it is terribly difficult to warm up.
Much like the month of February, my life has been stuck in a grey moment that just seems to drag on and on. I’m not quite sure what was the catalyst, but the doldrums of existence have been particularly deep lately. Maybe it’s because I have a significant birthday this year (it’s not 25!) and probably because my family’s elders are getting older and I have finally lost my last grandparent.
I find myself longing for my twenties again, a time where I was needlessly confident. Woefully naive of the difficulties that life can present, but also incredibly successful. I was married at the time, living in the States and my now ex an di started out automotive detailing business. It took off and we had more money than we ever thought possible, after working detailing cars for about eight years we spun off our business into an SAAS app for used car managers. That also took off and we were bought out back in 2018. It was a really incredible time, except for the fact that I wanted out of my marriage.
But now? Seven years later? The burdens of life have made it seem like starting another business is impossible. I have this thought… a nuisance of a prickling idea that keeps coming back to me. An idea for another SAAS business, but this time approaching my forties it seems a hell a lot harder. So I did something that I am entirely one hundred percent surprised at myself, something that twenty-something Charlotte would never do. I’ve hired a business coach. This was after a lot of internal fighting. For months I went back and forth, believing that I could start a business again, thinking I could just pull myself up by my bootstraps and get it done.
Well, it turns out that I could not do it all by myself. Also… and this may sound a bit absurd, but I need a team around me. The most successful people in the world have a team around them. Taylor Swift did not get to her superstar status with out a team of incredibly smart people surrounding her.
Also most importantly, I needed to believe that I, Charlotte, am worth the investment of other people into my life. That I am worth putting effort into. Honestly, this was the biggest hurdle and it took me weeks (!) to come to terms with the idea that I could not do this on my own.
I am so proud of my personal growth, and I cannot tell you how important my business coach is to my success. She’s pushed my boundaries and shown up for me in ways that no one else has ever done in my life. So if you are on the fence about pouring into yourself, do it. Do it always.
Another way I’m dreaming of tomorrow is about expanding my family, ie having a child. Which is wild. Yeah I know people have been doing it for eons, that we have a deep necessary perpetual drive to reproduce. In my opinion its because of our species desire to survive. But in my case, I’m trying to recreate some extremely valuable experiences from my life as a married women.
But now I am not married and never will be married again. Like, never again. Never ever ever.
But I have a fabulous partner and I’m getting older. And I had so many lovely memories with my ex’s family especially during the holidays where everyone would gather together. Thanksgiving after Thanksgiving, Christmas after Christmas we would all gather together in the parent’s home, just outside of Columbus Ohio and eat/drink and enjoy. I’ve really never had that type of experience before and I want that for myself! How special it is to be surrounded by family you actually like, celebrating whatever holiday comes around.
These celebrations were never just fixed around one day, there would be multiple days where we would all get together. And it literally was the greatest. It was so lovely in fact that I stayed in a marriage for at least three years too long just because of the family. That’s how lovely his family was.
But now? Seven years later I find myself craving that type of experience. Thinking about when I’m in my sixties and getting together with whatever children I have, making delicious food. Maybe being around with their significant other too… maybe even grandchildren?? Yes. That’s an absolute yes.
So now I’m dreaming of a tomorrow where I create another person with my partner. Crazy right? I’ve never really wanted children, but maybe it’s the evolutionary urge to propagate the species, but maybe it’s a desire to recreate what I miss most about married life, family.
Now I recently had a very interesting conversation with a close friend about this, and she highly highly recommended getting a doula for my (potential) birth. I would probably look for a queer birth doula because I consider myself a wee bit non-binary. Doulas are like specialized care-givers for those giving birth. I’m also considering getting one postpartum because my friend Hailey has describe postpartum as a crazy intense time and I know myself well enough that I need people around me to help regulate.
So now my tomorrow dreams consist of a potential new person. A baby! But I know it’s not about a baby, but more about seeing them as a person, but there’s nothing more astonishing then getting pregnant at almost forty! But here’s to dreams regardless of how scary they are.